I am probably one of the most selfish uncaring people on this planet, I only think of myself, and I always put myself first, even if it means making family members hurt, even if it means hurting my 87 year old great grandma. I fucked up again God, the drug addict in me won, and I fucking hate myself. Except this time, I didn’t steal from some other fiend, or some person I don’t give two shits about, I took the pills my GREAT GRANDMOTHER actually needs, because she is in pain, i’m not. I just wanted to get high, and now she’s hurting. I came clean this time, I told her what I did, and I think I almost wish she hated me as much as I hate myself, because it hurt me even more to see how incredibly sad she was. I wish I could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. I wish someone could actually FUCKING FIX ME. Treatment center after treatment center, over 100 grand later, AND STILL I FAIL. I have an appointment on the 25th, for yet another rehab facility, this time for outpatient, instead of inpatient, if this doesn’t work, I give up. Sorry mom, sorry dad, sorry Sami, sorry everyone, don’t worry, you weren’t the only ones fooled this time, so was I. I really thought I was doing better. I wish God would listen to my screams for help, just one fucking time. Ahahaha, just once! I pray to you every night! I’ve been praying for years! I prayed after you took my mom from me, I even prayed to you when Sami and I were getting abused! I prayed to you while I was on the streets, begged you to set me free, from my past, from the memories. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME, and STILL I pray to you, i’ve been praying for 15 years….asking you so save me, or help me. I know you have a lot of prayers to answer, so i’ve been patient….but i’m starting to think you wont be getting to mine. I’m starting to think heroin was the best gift you ever gave me. Maybe that was the answer.